While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
