I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize