I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
And then he peed in my hair
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