Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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