i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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