i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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