the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
