If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
