I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
