I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
