life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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