she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
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Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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