She is in my trunk
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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