i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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