He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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