My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
