to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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