If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
