I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
