I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
