Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
