I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
