I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
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