Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
