its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
