Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
