I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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