I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
