I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
