I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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