The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
