paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
