Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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