I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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