If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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