while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
