we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize