I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
