I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
