I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
