I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere