I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.