You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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