If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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