Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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