He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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