Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
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