dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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