You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
