: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
