i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
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watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
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Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window