I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.