highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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