Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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