i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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